doors ajar
by shel
Summary: phoebe discovers a letter she'd never opened...
1. part 1

**CHARMED **

**"Doors Ajar"**

by shel

© february 2006

_disclaimer: the charmed ones, cole, and leo, and the rest of the cast of characters we've come to know and love, belong to spelling television, inc. and possible other copyright holders. i intended no true infringement on their copyrights; i only wanted to borrow these marvelous characters for a short time in my own scenarios and hopefully return them no worse for wear; the only things i've gained from this story are the satisfaction and pleasure of having written it and in knowing that others may have enjoyed it too…_

_rating: pg-13_

_summary: phoebe discovers a letter she'd never opened… _

_timeline: midway between the events of s8's 'last temptation of christy' and 'engaged and confused'…_

_archive: please don't without expressed permission…_

_notes: minor references to s4's 'we're off to see the wizard,' s7's 'seven year witch,' s5's 'sam I am,' and 'centennial charmed,' and s8's 'the lost picture show'…please let me know if you enjoyed my tale and why and, if not, why not…and, please, don't bother wasting your time or mine by sending any flames…_

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**_Part One_**

Phoebe nearly lost her grip on her phone as she dragged the last of her packed moving boxes to the foot of her new bed, "Sure you don't mind?"

"You're my sister, Pheebs, you don't have to be so formal," Piper's voice chastised. "If you want to come for dinner, just come."

"I know," Phoebe sighed as she lifted out a small keepsake box, "but part of this move involves gaining some privacy so I don't want to intrude on yours, especially since I've been whining so much about it lately."

"You haven't been whining," Piper argued.

"Please," Phoebe rolled her eyes and leaned back against her bed, "how could you not notice that every other sentence out of my mouth seemed to be 'I wish I was in my new apartment'?"

Piper didn't comment and Phoebe worried, "Hey, you still there?"

"It's gonna take us all some time with these new living arrangements," Piper softly replied, "including you."

"Yeah, well…" Phoebe removed a small worn teddy bear from the box, "Speaking of living arrangements, have Paige and Henry decided what they'll do yet?"

"No," Piper sighed, "but given that she already tends to spend the night at his place…"

"Maybe I should come back," Phoebe suggested. "You know just until it's saf--"

"Maybe you should be here by six-thirty," Piper interrupted, "so that you can -- oh, no!"

"What? Piper? Is it a demon?"

"Not unless you count a three-year old who decided to open up a bag of potato chips all by himself," Piper groaned. "No, sweetie, stay right where you are, Mommy will pick them up…"

"See you in a bit," Phoebe chuckled as she disconnected the call and tossed the phone onto the bed behind her.

She glanced at her watch and smirked, "I love living fifteen minutes from work." With nearly an hour until dinner, she had plenty of time to finish with this box. She pulled out a batch of videotapes and crawled over to the TV stand where she stacked them next to the DVDs already there. But, as she shifted them, an envelope slipped out.

Curious, she picked it up and turned it over. And then she gasped when she recognized the handwriting. And her mind frantically tried to recall when she had received the letter and why she hadn't opened it.

"I can't deal with this now," she suddenly decided. She reached up and placed the envelope on top of the TV and returned to her task of unpacking all the while refusing to acknowledge the sight of the envelope.

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"Earth to Phoebe…"

Startled, Phoebe glanced up from her dinner plate to find an amused look on her younger sister's face. "Hum?"

Piper, slightly more worried than Paige over her sister's distant mood, reminded her sister, "You just announced that Henry would be better off as a frog in a pond."

Phoebe looked from Piper to Paige, "Why would I say that?"

"Beats me," Henry shrugged. "All I said was that maybe we should stick to a small ceremony given what Paige's told me about weddings in this family."

Phoebe was still confused, "I thought we were talking about Wyatt's little escapade in the park."

"Honey, that was an hour ago," Paige nervously chuckled. "You okay?"

"You sure you're okay with me being here?" Billie piped up. "I mean I know I pretty much forced my way into your lives and now I'm living in your house," she focused on Phoebe, "in your room. And I know you're all still worried about Christy…maybe I should move back to the dorm until she's a little bit better."

"Don't be silly," Phoebe smiled, "we love having you around. You've helped us too, y'know…"

"That's right," Piper agreed with an encouraging smile of her own, "and you're welcome to stay as long as you need."

"Besides," Phoebe grinned, "it's not like you're replacing me. Um, she's not guys, right?"

"Not yet anyway," Piper teased before quickly assuring Billie, "I meant what I told you, it's just --"

"A sister-thing," Billie interrupted, smiling sadly, "I understand."

"Christy needs time to relearn what it means to be human but she'll be fine," Paige promised as she patted Billie's hand. "How can she not be when she's got you on her side to love her and support her?"

Piper kept her gaze on Phoebe who now looked about ready to cry. "Phoebe? Honey, did something happen at work?"

"Work was fine," Phoebe shrugged as she stood and carried her plate into the kitchen. "It's not a big deal."

"It is a big deal," Paige told her as she and Piper hurried after her older sister, "if you're distracted like this."

Phoebe rinsed her plate in the sink, "I shoved a lot of stuff into boxes in my rush to pack and I simply forgot."

Paige's eyebrow rose in concern, "I thought you'd unpacked everything the week you moved in?"

"Had one box left," Phoebe said as she returned to the dining room to clear off another dish.

"And what was in it?" Paige prompted as she followed Phoebe.

"Forgot what?" Piper loudly repeated while waiting for her sisters' return to the kitchen.

Billie quickly excused herself to return to her bedroom. "I think this's more of a sister-thing than witch-thing and I've got an eight-page paper due by the end of the week and I've barely started my research."

After a quick nod and unconvincing smile to Billie, Piper focused on Phoebe, "Phoebe…what's going on?"

"It's just a letter," Phoebe said as she tried to walk back to the dining room. But Paige blocked her way so she grinned, "If you'd rather clean off the table yourself, I won't stop you."

"You're avoiding the question," Henry observed.

"One of her more annoying traits," Piper explained.

"Hey!" Phoebe glared at her sisters before sighing, "Look, finding it caught me off-guard but I'm fine," she smiled, "honest."

"I can see your wisdom teeth," Paige accused.

"Huh?" Henry stepped away in time to avoid Phoebe plowing into him as she pushed past Paige, "Hey, Phoebe, I know I'm new to this family but I do care about you and maybe it'll help to have an objective person listen."

Phoebe gratefully patted him on the arm, "Thanks but --"

"C'mon, Pheebs," Paige interrupted with an appreciative nudge to her new fiancé, "maybe we can help."

"You can't," Phoebe shook her head, "not when I don't even -- Never mind."

As Phoebe went to retrieve her coat, Paige turned back to Piper who still stood in the doorway, "Are you just gonna let her go? Say something already."

"The letter's from Cole," Piper softly announced.

"How d'you know that?" Paige asked in surprise.

"Who's Cole?" Henry questioned simultaneously.

Piper's eyes widened, "You didn't tell him about Cole?"

"I want to marry him," Paige indicated to Henry, "not send him running!"

Just as Henry was about to ask again about this Cole, both sisters shook their heads, "Long story."

Piper headed for the hallway, "He's the only one who can still depress her like this."

Paige stopped in her tracks as she suddenly understood, "She loves him."

Piper turned around to face Paige, "I don't think she ever stopped." And she kept the rest of that thought to herself, that Cole never stopped loving Phoebe either.

"She was so angry with him," Paige reminded her, "so bitter and she changed because of him. You think she's feeling guilty now? What's in this letter?"

"I don't know anything about it," Piper declared, "but I know Phoebe. And I know that lately she's, mellowed, I guess, when it comes to Cole. C'mon, Paige, you've heard her mention him more often."

"I've never heard her," Henry piped up. "So who is he anyway?"

"Her ex-husband," Paige sighed before quickly cutting him off from asking more, "I'll explain later." She turned to Piper and argued, "Look, I know he was this big love of her life but he's gone, Piper. And she's moved on and she's much better off."

"What was he," Henry joked, "from the wrong side of the tracks?"

"Something like that," Piper murmured as her sister continued.

"We can't change what Cole did at the end or how he brought about his own vanquish but we can --"

"But he wasn't --" Piper cut herself short. Other than Leo, whom she'd sworn to secrecy, she hadn't told her sisters about Cole's involvement in her life and she wasn't sure it would be in anyone's best interest to confess now that Cole was still around. Instead, she darted towards the front door to stop Phoebe. "Don't leave…c'mon stay a while…"

Phoebe fought the tears as she kissed her sister's cheek, "Got an early meeting tomorrow. Thanks for dinner." She glanced past Piper and gave a small wave to Paige and Henry, "See ya guys later."

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	2. part 2

_**Part Two**_

Curled up on her sofa, Phoebe tugged the blanket tighter around herself. Three in the morning and she'd tried everything from warm milk to a warm bath but she still wasn't the least bit sleepy. And, she groaned, with her luck, she'd probably pay for her attack of insomnia by falling asleep at the morning staff meeting.

She scanned the room, still not used to the new shadows created along the walls. She felt safe, though admittedly, not as safe as back in her old room at the manor, but wondered if it had been smart to move. They'd been warned to expect a terrible evil to attack and what gave her the right to endanger innocents simply because she'd felt the urge to escape?

And what was it she wanted to escape from exactly? What freedom did this new condo give her? She was still living a double life, hiding her magical one from her new neighbors. So what did she really want? A life of her own? Didn't she have that at the manor?

A tear trickled from her eye as she finally acknowledged the truth, "I want to be free from the past." No more reminders of what had once been and might never be again. Every relationship she'd had in the past two-and-a-half years had failed or barely gotten started. Drake had helped her believe in love again but it hadn't changed anything. She was still alone. Not that it was always a terrible feeling either. A part of her actually relished in the freedom of not trying to force love to happen. And without her powers, she barely had her premonitions back, the condo seemed the perfect opportunity for a fresh start.

It wasn't like when she'd fled to New York after Grams had died. The bonds with her sisters were stronger than ever. And she had a job she loved, one that fulfilled her and rewarded her.

"But then I had to go and find that letter," she sniffled. And remind her of all she'd lost in the name of love. Fate seemed determined to keep her alone. And that thought confused her even more. How could she be content with her life as a single woman and yet be so miserable at the thought of never finding love again? "Maybe I should just go to a bar, get drunk, and go home with the first guy I see," she sat up, "maybe then I'd see what fate really has in store for me." But she let the blanket fall to the sofa as she stood, "And maybe I should just read that damned letter."

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She leaned back against her pillows and turned the sealed envelope over. Her stomach was all in knots of fear. Why hadn't she been able to call for a single premonition while touching it? Would she ever earn back the full extent of her powers? Phoebe stared at the envelope. What if he'd written something that might've changed some of the choices she'd made? What if reading the letter only reinforced the fact that she'd never be able to earn his forgiveness? What if reading it only made life worse?

With a deep breath, she used her letter opener to slit the crease of the envelope. And with trembling fingers, she exhaled and removed the single sheet of folded paper. Her heart pounded and she looked up to the ceiling as if that would provide her with added strength. "Oh, god," she uttered as she choked back on the nausea rising in her throat. She closed her eyes and took several more deep breaths. She couldn't do it. She was too afraid of what she'd learn.

"Read it…"

Phoebe sucked in her breath when she heard the whispered sound of his voice. But when she opened her eyes and looked around her bed, she found herself still alone. She was so freaked out by his letter that now she was imagining his voice. It wasn't real. Cole wasn't there. He wasn't anywhere.

"Read it…"

"All right," she snapped. But her annoyance faded as her fingers, once again, began to tremble as they unfolded the letter. And tears blurred her vision as she tried to read his written words.

_Dear Phoebe,_

_If you're reading this, then I'm dead. And that's probably for the best. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on. No matter how much good I try to do, evil traps me tenfold. I'm not using that as an excuse but it seems that, no matter how much I try to convince you that our love is strong enough to overcome all that evil, I only wind up hurting you and pushing you further away. _

_Until now, you never feared me and that has both amazed me and worried me. What if I was never meant to be anything but a demon? What if that was my true calling and you were an inconvenient distraction? Maybe you were right when you once told me how scared you were that you enjoyed being evil. Maybe that's the true reason we connected – our evil sides attracted each other. Maybe there was never any hope for us and we were doomed as the pawns used in some greater master plan._

_I hope, for both our sakes, my death wasn't at your hand. I forced you to vanquish me once and have always regretted the pain it caused you. And I don't relish the thought of tricking you into doing so again but it's the only way to spare us further pain. _

_Please know, above all else, I tried. I tried to end it when I finally accepted that we would never be. I tried to be good. I tried to love. And how I tried to be the man you would have been proud to love._

_I hope one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me. Forgive me for not regretting loving you and doing everything within my power to hold on to that love. Forgive me for the pain I caused your sisters. Forgive me for hurting you, betraying you, for failing you._

_And know that when I took my last breath, it was with you in my thoughts and in my heart. And maybe one day, if the Fates are kind, we will meet again – if not in this life, then in some future one. Because love transcends all else and always will._

_My love forever,_

_Cole_

Phoebe let the page fall into her lap as she covered her mouth with her hands and cried. She rolled onto her side and cried for Cole. She cried for herself. And she cried for the future that would never be.

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	3. part 3

_**Part Three**_

From the void, he stood in the corner of her room and watched her sob into her pillows. And a debate raged within him over whether or not he should materialize in her realm. Would speaking to her, touching her, help her or make matters worse? Would giving her the knowledge of his fate free her to love or condemn her to limbo?

"Oh, Cole…" Phoebe's voice quivered, "Oh, Cole, I'm so sorry…"

And his debate ended. "I'm sorry too…"

She continued, her face buried in her pillow, "I never told you, never had the chance, and now, now you're gone and you'll never know…"

"But I do know," he assured her as he cautiously approached the bed and sat next to her, "I've always known."

"How could you?" Phoebe cried, oblivious to the added weight on the bed, oblivious to the fingers stroking her hair. "How could you when I didn't know myself? When I didn't let myself?"

"You were hurt," Cole explained as he leaned close and began stroking her arm, "and I was the one who hurt you."

"I was so angry," she began to stir, "I thought I hated you or, worse, that I felt nothing." She pushed herself to her elbows and turned to him, "But I didn't, Cole, I loved you."

He nodded and caressed her cheek, "I know."

Phoebe threw her arms around his neck, "I'm so sorry, Cole! I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough, for not fighting hard enough, for not --"

"Shhhh," he soothed, "we've both had enough 'I'm sorry's to last an eternity. It's time to let it go."

"I thought I had," she sobbed into his neck, "I thought I closed the door to the past. I thought I could finally start fresh with no baggage. But it's not happening…"

"No one said you had to slam the door," he chuckled. "You can keep it ajar…just in case…"

"In case of what?" she scoffed. "In case you come back?"

"In case of this," he murmured as his lips found hers.

Breathless, Phoebe pulled back and gazed at him through stunned eyes. Eyes that widened as she finally realized she wasn't imagining his presence. "You're here…"

"For the moment," he agreed as he brushed his thumb along her lower lip.

"But you're gone," she whispered.

"Not exactly…" He smiled despite her confusion, "Talk to Piper." And, satisfied he hadn't ended up hurting her further, he pushed himself back in order to stand.

"Wait! I don't understand. You're leaving?"

He wanted to smile to reassure her but couldn't, "I have to…before it's any harder…"

"But how'd you even get here?" she persisted as she scrambled off the bed and grabbed his hand to stop him.

"I can't stay, Phoebe."

"Just for a while," she pleaded as tears filled her eyes. "There's still so much I want to say, so much I need to say."

Cole caressed her cheek, "Even when you hurt me, I knew it was because you loved me. And I know you still do. And I know that you haven't been able to move on since I…left. But, honey, you have to try. You can't give up on love."

"I haven't!"

"But you're not quite there yet," he acknowledged. "You're still torn between wanting to believe wholeheartedly and those nagging warnings your heart sends your brain."

"You know how I felt about love," she reminded him. "You know how hard it was for me to accept."

"Because you'd been hurt by it," he nodded, "but you've also seen its power, first-hand, and you kno--"

"Look," she interrupted, "I know Piper and Leo are destined to be --"

"I wasn't talking about them," he retorted, "and you know it!"

She stared at him for a moment before apologizing, "I know."

Cole's voice softened as he suggested, "Think of your little girl. Think of the love that still awaits you. Don't give up on her or any other future children, Phoebe, don't give up on love."

But Phoebe barely heard past his first sentence, "How do you know about her?"

"It doesn't matter," he shook his head. "Just promise me you won't give up."

She stared at the floor, "You, of all people, know that some things aren't meant to be."

"Damn it, Phoebe, listen to me! You're meant to love and be loved. You're meant to --"

"I wish everyone would stop telling me what I'm meant to be," she interrupted as she spun from him. "Go back, Cole, go back to wherever I called you from."

"I can't," he argued, "not until I'm sure you're safe."

"Safe from what?" she half-cried. "I'm happy with my life, is that what you need to hear? Fine, I'm happy, Cole! I've got this great new apartment, my job couldn't be better, Paige is getting married, and Piper's…well, we're working on it…So just go away and stop reminding me of…"

"Of what?" he gently urged as he came up behind her and ran his hands along her shoulders.

"Of what could have been," she whispered as she leaned back against him. She turned in his arms and wrapped hers around his waist. She pressed a kiss to his chest, "Make me believe…"

Much to his dismay, his body, solid for the moment, responded to her actions and he stifled a moan of pleasure as her fingers deftly unbuttoned his shirt and slid between the fabric and his bare skin. "Phoebe, no…"

"Make me believe," she ordered between kisses, "convince me we weren't wrong to love…to still love…"

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Sprawled on top of him, Phoebe trailed kisses up Cole's chest, "You always made me feel so safe…so loved…"

"I'm glad," he murmured while he let his fingers lightly trace circles along her back. "You did the same for me, you know."

She froze for a moment before pressing her cheek to his chest. "I'm glad," she echoed.

They lay entwined under the covers, secure in their comfort and love of one another. But it didn't last long before Phoebe's hand began playfully wandering.

And Cole grabbed it more firmly than he'd intended and he fiercely demanded, "Promise me you won't give up."

Surprised by his rough actions, she gazed into his eyes and finally acknowledged the severity of his request with a simple nod, "I won't."

He brought her hand to his lips and placed light kisses on her fingertips before he brushed away some hair from her eyes. "Love is worth all the pain, Phoebe."

She didn't reply, merely pressed herself closer to him. But when his body seemed to relax beneath hers, she quietly informed him, "Either love will happen for me, Cole, or it won't. I meant what I said about wanting to find love again but I refuse to become obsessed with finding it all for the sake of making some premonition come true."

"That's not why you should find love," he countered. "Having a child with someone you love would be…I don't know, an added bonus. Isn't that why you didn't go through with your idea of artificial insemination?"

"There you go again," she propped herself up on her elbows, "where have you been that you know all this stuff about me?"

"Kiss me," he grinned.

"Not until I get some answers," she pouted. "Now, mister," she poked him in the chest. "If I'm supposed to find this love knowing full well that there's this terrible evil coming, I want to know. I need to know. And I know you know something…"

He leaned forward and gave her a quick, hard kiss, "You know I can't tell you anything. I can't risk your changing what your--"

She pushed him down, "So we win? Well of course we do, we're the Charmed Ones. When does it happen?"

He couldn't help but smile as he shook his head, "Won't work, Phoebe, I'm not letting anything slip."

"Can't blame a witch for trying," she shrugged as she settled herself back down on his chest.

Cole's fingers toyed softly with her hair, "You understand the dangers of knowing the future. Every choice you make leads to hundreds of consequences and you won't know which are for the better or for the worse until after the fact." He felt wetness on his skin and gently wiped away some tears, "Sleep, Phoebe, it will all look better in the morning."

"You won't be here in the morning," she whispered without looking at him.

He didn't know what to say because she was right, and they both knew it. "I meant every word in that letter," he finally said.

Phoebe raised her head slightly and gazed at him, "And I forgive you, Cole, for all of it if only because you gave me the happiest and most stable relationship I've ever had."

"Stable?" he laughed, "now I'm sure you need your sleep."

As if on cue, Phoebe stifled a yawn, "Fine, maybe not stable but it was the longest, most passionate, most wond--"

Cole cut her off with a kiss, "I know, babe, I know."

She rested her head back on his chest. "Thank you…"

"For what?" he prompted when she stopped speaking.

"For tonight," she sighed as she snuggled closer, "for everything, for, for loving me…"

"That won't ever change," he promised.

"Me too," she smiled sleepily as she finally gave in to her exhaustion.

"I'm sorry you won't remember in the morning," he softly apologized. "But it's the only way to ensure youkeep your promise and move on." Phoebe stirred in his arms and he kissed the top of her head. She sighed happily and he wrapped his arms tighter around her. "Keep the door ajar, Phoebe," he requested while he continued to caress her body, memorize the feel of her, the scent of her, "and one day we will find each other again."

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	4. epilogue

_**Epilogue**_

_**Some time in the future…**_

Her long brown hair bounced as she confidently strode down the sidewalk.

So entranced, he didn't notice her stopping short and he proceeded to crash right into her. "I am so sorry," he apologized as he bent to help her pick up her fallen dry-cleaning.

She smiled, though she hadn't yet looked at the man helping her, and shook her head, "No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't've stopped like that. You'd think I'd know better when it's a pet peeve of mine about people who just stop in the middle of walking and -- I'm sorry, I'm rambling, aren't I?"

"I don't mind," he assured her as their eyes locked.

And they froze. She mesmerized by the hidden depths of his blue eyes and he spellbound by the mysteries captured in her brown ones.

It took a stranger nearly tripping over them to cause them to snap from their reverie. He quickly helped her to stand and apologized once again for not watching where he was going.

"Don't worry about it," she replied in a dazed voice. "I'd, I'd better be going…"

Still stunned, he watched her continue walking away before he suddenly called after her, "Don't I know you?"

She turned around in confusion and waited for him to jog up next to her. "Isn't that line a little old?" But she saw the look in his eyes and knew she'd felt something too, "Sorry…" She shook her head, "I've got no idea why I'm acting like this."

"I'm Ben, Ben Thompson," he quickly told her. "Are you sure we've never met?"

"Melinda," she revealed with a smile, "and, believe me, you'd remember if we'd met."

"Oh," he uttered before apologizing, "my mistake then."

"Nope," she flirted some more, "not yet anyway."

"Oh?" he questioned with amusement. "Then it's your duty to tell me how to prevent my mistake from happening."

"Simple," she instructed, "ask me for my number."

"Didn't your mother warn you about that?" he teased as she fished through her handbag.

She handed him her business card and smiled, "But my Grams warned me that it was more important to always keep the door slightly ajar."

He smiled with confusion, "Ajar for what?"

"For love," she winked in return.

He eyed her, unsure if she was truly kidding, "Sounds like a smart lady."

"She was," Melinda wistfully commented. "Like me, she'd been burned a lot by love. But she never gave up."

"And neither should you," he told her. "Love transcends everything."

She stared at him in surprise, "That's what he would tell her."

"Who?"

"The great love of her life," she warily revealed. "She loved him and lost him but then they found each other again…"

"Sounds intriguing so you'll have to tell me all about it over dinner." Ben's eyes sparkled in amusement as a retort formed on her lips and he quickly pressed a finger to the pale pink gloss, "No good to argue, I'm a lawyer. I'll pick you up at seven." And he strode away before she could say a word.

Dumbfounded, she watched him cross the street without once looking back at her. And, as she watched, her frown became more of a smile. "You were right, Grams," she glanced up to the sky, "you never know just who'll walk through the door." His name was Ben and there were sparks between them, that much was certain. She shook her head as he began to turn the corner and she gasped when he suddenly looked back and caught her gaze.

Ben grinned at her sheepish expression. He hadn't sensed any demonic traces from her so maybe the connection he'd felt was pure. He winked at her and hoped that the fates might be making up for his past heartaches. He held up seven fingers and nodded when she smiled in return.

She watched him disappear around the corner. Love? Maybe not. But it was definitely magical. And maybe, just maybe, Ben would turn out to be her very own Cole. Maybe Ben would be the one she was destined to love forever.

_**The End**_


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